Love and Relationships

While love creates bonds among people, inter-dependence forces bond formation. Love and reliability are sources of faith and trust among one another.

All relationships seem to have a certain amount of selfishness embedded. A relationship with a person is similar to attachment to a pet or even an inanimate object. We get attached to others because we need a support structure to survive or we are looking for social company for good times. In our self centered existence, every person we are attached to needs to serve a selfish purpose. Since this is true for both sides in a relationship, their selfish purposes need to align with each other for a strong and long-lived bond. Unfortunately, we all usually get attached to transitory objects or beings, which wear-&-tear, break or grow, age and ultimately perish away. That’s the source of so many of our miseries.

I can count five major types of relationships: (1) that of peace and goodwill (ignorance): such as fellow commuters, fellow shoppers, etc. (2) that of loyalty and service: between a servant/employee and his/her master/ employer, (3) that of friendship and equality: among peers and siblings, (4) that of affection: between parents and their children and (5) that of love, possessiveness and transparency: between a lover and his/her beloved. Other types of relationships could be broadly classified as one of the above. For example, between a teacher and a student could be classified as an employer/employee or a parent/child relationship depending on whether the student is assisting the teacher in research and teaching or the teacher is simply guiding and helping the student with altruistic intentions. Likewise, relationships between business contacts or professional colleagues could be classified as friendship or an employer/employee relationship depending on whether they’re equals mutually benefiting from each other or one is obliged to or needs favors from another.

With birth we inherit our blood relationships. We don’t exercise a conscious selection procedure. But, we consciously select our employment, friends circle and partner. While our choice of employment or partner is almost always unique, there is no limit on the number of friends we may have. We choose from an open market and our search is for people we enjoy a certain degree of compatibility and level of comfort with. In case of our friends, we may also seek variety. In our choice of employment, every now and then, we may want change. Our current market valuation governs who we approach and who approaches us. Each search is customized for the set of skills, qualities, behaviors, achievements and possessions. Some seek resourcefulness, some humor, some an analytical mind, some a business network, some wealth, some attitude and some looks. Because our market valuation isn’t on a single index, we all manage to play our cards, and get by. We are all power players. We want our ‘active buddy list’ to always include our best picks. One’s search for employment is for the best combination of power, responsibility, compensation and perks one can find in the market. While, one searches for a partner with the ideal combination of social status, I.Q., both similar and complimentary nature and of course physical attraction.

Some bonds become sweeter and stronger even when destiny forces people to stay at distant locations hence limiting their contact. This is union in separation. It’s yearning for the other’s company that brings out the sweetness of the relationship. Weaker bonds fail to stand the test of time and distance. Once out sight, the person is out of mind. It is a relationship one could easily live without or find a replacement for.

Relationships are becoming weaker today than they have been in the past. Materialism is playing a greater role and carefully worded contracts are becoming more important. People believe they can simply pay to create, maintain and terminate relationships. Everything is acceptable as long it’s within the contractual agreement. Employers and employees terminate employment on short notices. Employers believe they have fulfilled their responsibilities by paying off the employees with a petty severance packages. While employers lack in responsibility, employees lack in loyalty. More marriages today are ending in divorce than ever before. As long as alimony (and child support, if applicable) is paid, neither side has any qualms. To avoid the legalities of a contractual binding, couples are experimenting living together without tying the nuptial knot, if it works out they signup for marriage, or else they move on to try someone else.

In our desire to ‘get a life’ we are having a lot of short-term, shallow and less meaningful relationships which cease to mentally, emotionally or spiritually uplift us. It’s all about having some fun or making a quick buck. Whether these relationships will help us in our time of need or will benefit our life as a whole is a question we need to ask.