SmallTalk

It's the name of a computer language. But I don't know a thing about that language and am not quite interested in carrying a discourse about it either. I'm talking about small talk, like in a party, with, maybe, your new colleagues and their spouses and friends around.

Small talk is trouble. I still haven't quite figured out the protocol. Awkward silence, group of 6, do you say something, or not? Do you begin the story and hope people laugh at the end? What if they don't? They'll just be staring at you trying to figure out why you just wasted their last five minutes on an absolutely meaningless story. "Guess what happened the other day,...", actually changes the context of the entire conversation, so it better lead to something. I've actually seen people stare at each other, completely at loss for words, trying to bring some momentum in the conversation, that I brought to halt, while I embarrassed, find something to sip or munch on, so I don't say anything stupid again. On such occasions, I feel like pronouncing upon entering the group, "Look, I'll just be standing here, dumb, so if you want me to open my mouth, just ask me a direct question, my name is ..., OK?".

I can't quite figure out what's appropriate conversation. The easiest is usually the weather. "So, it's been quite hot the past few days...". Cliched. The experienced ones usually figure it's a desperate attempt, and if that's the best you've got, the nearby pole might make more interesting company for those around you. Do you ask about their personal lives? "Is she your wife?", and I usually feel like continuing "You could have done better, Bro". Sometimes I feel like making some useful conversation, "So, I'm assuming you've got a decent bank balance, what are you doing with your money?". Sometimes I feel like giving people a piece of my mind, "Lady, you've got too much make up on, you look like a witch, do yourself a favor, buy a mask."

Sometimes you're expected to say good stuff, but you just don't feel like saying it. They say, "This is our little baby, Sam, it just turned 11 months. You'll have to come on its first birthday" You say, "Oh, so cute." and "Sure, I will, thanks for inviting me." But inside you say, "For just 11 months, its big, no, its fat, what do you feed it!" and "1st birthday? The kid can't even say a word, what I am I supposed to do, cry along when its hungry or sleepy?"

It gets even more awkward if the people around have been changing their significant others a bit too often. "Oh, so she's you're Girlfriend? It's nice meeting you." But my mind is overflowing with questions. "Weren't you with another lady the last time I saw you at a similar party?", "What happened? Did she kick you out or something?", "Say, lady, this guy is one hell of a player."

I've got to create a system, a process. A set of Qs, potential answers and counter questions. Got to practice pieces that are funny, discard those that aren't. Got to figure the set of rules to determine when to end a certain conversation and start a new one. That should make me a more interesting person, on those occasions when I have no idea why I am present there in the first place.